Big Blue, Ice Cold, No Doubt, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week!!!!! pick: Hold My Beer, Watch this! over Ball Breakers
On Notice: Alcoballics

1. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah 3-0 +18
I billed it as the premier game and it was every bit of the slug fest I had hoped for. It looked like a Ravens-Steelers match-up and Werewolf Bar Mitzvah jumped ahead early and held on for dear life down the stretch. They truly became men with this win. Mazel Tov!

2. FBGM 3-0 +21
FBGM has lost the top spot for now, due to an unconvincing win over lowly Duck. Yes they pulled it out in the end, but I’m a believer that the top spot must be earned every week. You can’t live on reputation alone. Yes they are one of only two teams at 3-0, but this week, they are on the decline and for the first time in years I have more questions than the republicans have about Benghazi… and I’m sure most of them are just as much BS.

3. Degenerates 2-1 +10
I’ve been high on the Degenerates since week 1 and this week they came right with a win over Hold My Beer. They’ve truly rounded into a good team, and I for one think it’s due to the great team chemistry they show on and off the field. They’ve not been spectacular yet, but I am overvaluing them more than Vegas overvalued the Grizzlies going into this conference finals. New is sexy, and the Degens are looking hotter than Jennifer Lawrence.

4. Balls Deep 2-1 +4
How Deep? BALLS DEEP! I’ll save the obvious jokes that their name could imply after a big win and get creative here. It was a pivotal, potentially season altering game that went on at the storied Sammy Sosa Field of Denial. Balls Deep has historically been a middling team, good but not great. But like the Indiana Pacers, they seem strong and poised to give the big boys a run for their money this year. Can they survive after a strong showing at the 5:30am Fox 13 Morning show with Big Buddah? And will Morgan employ her new local media connection to become more prevalent that a Dwight Howard impending free agency? Stay tuned, there’s more after the break.

5. Red Rockets 2-0-1 +18
It was a tough draw for the Red Rockets, and it came on the worse week possible from a rankings stand point. A two spot drop without a loss may seem a little harsh, but as And 1 Mixtape balla The Professor will tell you, Ball Don’t Lie. They were playing an inferior team and didn’t get it done. The Rockets are victims of their own high expectations this week. I’m not saying this is the beginning of wall to wall coverage of What’s Wrong with Red Rockets, a la the Lakers… yet. Let’s see if they can reclaim their early season form.

6. We’re Rollin’ Balls 1-0-2 +12
What a draw for We’re Rollin’ Balls. I have to admit, I looked at the standing and did a double take. We’re Rollin’ Balls is undefeated. You heard that right, UNDEFEATED. Yet I can’t help but feel it’s a Floyd Mayweather undefeated. They’re bobbing and weaving through the scheduled matches more than in the ring. Harsh, maybe, after all this is a team that has only conceded 4 runs all season. There is serious potential of them proving me wrong on this ranking.

7. The Kickball Team 2-1 +23
It was a disappointing loss for The Kickball Team, that’s for sure. They are the biggest drop this week as they plummeted 5 spots. That may be a little harsh, but this wasn’t a seismic week for no reason. The sudden power outage was startling for sure, but I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt if they have a strong bounce back week. They are early contenders for my rollercoaster team this year, and after managing only one run, I want to see if they were a flash in the pan like the Thunder, or for real like the Spurs.

8. Pitches Be Crazy 2-1 +8
A big drop for Pitches Be Crazy is literally the result of what other teams did, so I don’t want to hear a lot of “how could you drop us that low” and “there’s no way we’re the 8th best team.” Well the last one I fully expect to hear, cuz you’re not. But this week you are. My rankings are looking at the right now, and with more parity in the league than in the NFC East, a loss to your rival is the end of the world, sky is falling moment that ESPN loves clinging to in order to pump up ratings. Just call me Stephen A. Smith, I’ll overreact to an incredibly close loss like you got blown out by 20.

9. Sit On My Base 1-2 -12
It was a big bounce back week for Sit On My Base as they showed that plucky perseverance that makes them a media favorite, but a win over the Alcoballics is by no means a coup d’etat. And matching up against Pitches Be Crazy coming off a loss is about as appetizing as a night out at the Olive Garden. That said, the sky is a lot brighter than for Sit On My Base than it is for Tumblr after being bought by Yahoo. Their veteran leadership up and down the roster will go a long way here.

10. Ball Breakers 1-2 -27
A win is a win, as I’m sure Yogi Berra said, and there is some truth to that as Ball Breakers shook of their early season woes and pulled it off in the end. That said, I’m still not too bullish here. It was a win against the new worst team in the league and it was a close game the whole way. I’d compare them to the Milwaukee Bucks at this point, just happy to be in it, but a guaranteed first round out. Oh and to add insult to the injury of such a small climb, I’m picking against them again in my Big Blue, Ice Cold, No Doubt, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week!!!!! Prove me wrong… again!

11. Duck 0-3 -22
A loss isn’t always a loss, as I’m sure no one has ever said in the history of sports. I felt a sudden tingling from Duck this week that I hadn’t previously felt since I first laid eyes on Selma Hayek in Desperado. It was a tough loss to the previous top team in the land, and I think this could be a serious springboard to better things. My required sports cliché this week: it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. Keep up that level of play and the wins will come.

12. Alcoballics 0-2-1 -9
It’s official, the Alcoballics are the lowest scoring team in the league. And as a Mets fan, I know how frustrating that can be. They may need a lineup change, but I think the real problem is the injury bug. No team had been hit harder this year, with the possible exception of the Yankees. The main difference in this comparison: a tradition of winning. Coach Caryn will need to rally the troops and makes some changes to bring the Alcoballics out of the dead ball era and into this new high scoring age. I hope you follow baseball cuz if not I might as well be speaking Greek. I’ll say this in plain English: You’re On Notice!

13. Hold My Beer, Watch this! 0-3 -17
I really think Hold My Beer is getting better, in spite of their record. I believe this so much that I’m picking them to get their first win this year over the Ball Breakers in my Big Blue, Ice Cold, No Doubt, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week!!!!!. Hope springs eternal for Hold My Beer, and I really believe that Dean’s impressive performance in the wing eating competition this morning bodes well for their chances. Prove me right!

14. Lesbihonest Fo’ Sho’ 0-3 -27
It was their best shot to date for a win, and while they hung in tough, it was yet another disappointment for Lesbihonest Fo’ Sho’. And it does not get any easier from here. Next up is the newly crowned kings of the league in Werewolf Bar Mitzvah followed by defending champs Red Rockets. It way be a tough run in the short term, but I believe this team can improve and find a win down the home stretch. God may hate Cleveland, as will be shown when Nerlens Noel amounts to an injury plagued what could have been. And the schedule may seem to imply he hates you, but lesbihonest, there is some daylight at the end of the dark tunnel approaching.

On Notice: Sit On My Base

1. FBGM 2-0 +20

FBGM is just barely clinging to the top spot by the tips of their fingers after week two. Will they be able to hold it? A matchup against Duck this week would seem to say yes, but this season you cant take anything for granted. Just ask Oklahoma City, or my bet that Kevin Durant was good enough to win a series on his own. Show me you’re elite FBGM, good teams always take care of business when they should.

2. The Kickball Team 2-0 +25

One thing is for certain, The Kickball Team is no one hit wonder. They’ll have a much tougher matchup this week against balls deep, so we’ll really get to see if they’re for real, but lets just say the Baha Men are already jealous of their success.

3. Red Rockets 2-0 +18

They’re on a steady pace upward in the rankings, and let’s just say I may have underrated them week one after the Degenerates proved to be a much more formidable opponent than I anticipated. With Erik “The Dream Olajuwon” and Michael “Kenny the Jet Smith” out their, I’m not counting this team out. Who will emerge as their Big Shot Bob? Only time will tell.

4./5. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah 2-0 +16, Pitches Be Crazy 2-0 +10

It’s finally here, the Battle of Brothers, the Civil War, It’s Aggie against Aggie in this Backyard Brawl and the only thing for certain is that one of my names for this game just has to stick! These teams have played together and now they face off in their biggest challenges yet. I give a slight edge to Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, but in a rivalry, you throw out the records and just sit back and enjoy. Who will take the next step into the elite? And yes, that’s a total cop out to put both of you tied up again in the rankings. Show me how wrong I am!

6. Degenerates 1-1 +10

And here we have it, The Degens have become the first team to prove me wrong this season. Sure I didn’t think they were bad, but I didn’t know they had that offensive explosion in them. I’m more surprised about it that I am that David Stern actually let the Grizzlies make the conference finals. I think we all know how much he loves small market teams without a superstar. I wont make the same mistake twice, The Degens are more than just the greatest flip cup team this league has ever seen. In the immortal words of the Princess Bride, “I shall never doubt again.”

7. We’re Rollin’ Balls 1-0-1 +12

It was a disappointing step back this week on the offensive side for Rollin’ Balls. Their kicking was looking about as competent as Josh Hamilton’s batting/meth recovery this season. That said, with only 3 runs conceded all season, they pitch like my new man-crush Matt Harvey so they’ll be in just about any game. Will that be enough against defending champions Red Rockets?

8. Alcoballics 0-1-1 -7

Speaking of futility on offense, the Alcoballics couldn’t score in a brothel. That may sound a little harsh, but they’re lucky to have a draw at this point with only 2 runs scored in two games. Even the Houston Astros are amused by that little production. They may be figuring out that defense thing that’s half the game though. Chicks may dig the long ball but defense and pitching wins championships. Stay tuned, I’m not counting them out just yet.

9. Balls Deep 1-1 +2

You can blame the togas all you want, but if the Russell Westbrook has shown us anything, style is all that matters. Much props on those sexy getups that remind me so fondly of my people, but there’s one thing I know: Excuses are the bricks that build the house of failure. They can score runs for sure, but can they field at an elite level? That will once again be tested against the formidable newcomers The Kickball Team. The weight of the Beehive veterans is on your shoulders this week.

10. Hold My Beer, Watch This! 0-2 -17

I almost feel bad for Hold My Beer. Just as they get through the top two teams in the rankings, they’re up against a rising veteran team in The Degenerates. But it’s not all doom and gloom for these plucky underdogs. True to their name, The Degens have a history of getting a little too drunk at times and Hold My Beer’s improvement against a former champion last week was nothing short of extraordinary. Just remember, the schedule only gets easier from here. Take your lumps now, and the playoffs will be your reward.

11. Sit On My Base 0-2 -14

They are epic tailgaters, that much is certain. And this week that may be enough. A matchup against the similarly winless, and offensively futile, Alcoballics may do a lot to wipe away the bad taste of a blowout loss to the former Teenwolf all-stars. I know from personal experience it wasn’t the taste of those hotdogs that will be haunting them. Now’s your chance guys, get that first win!

12. Duck 0-2 -21

It’s been a rough intro to the league for duck, who seems for intent of using their pegging skills from Dodgeball than the catching skills needed to stop big rallies. They’re looking about as unlucky as the Baby Bulls right now, having to go up against yet another juggernaut in defending Spring Champions FBGM. Just try not to get the flu or meningitis or something. Oh, and tough love time. I don’t think you have a prayer this week, Prove me wrong!

13. Lesbihonest Fo Sho 0-2 -25

14. Ball Breakers 0-2 -29

Something’s gotta give!!!!!!!! This week in The Matchup of Futility, we have the two bottom teams in the league facing off. You’ll seldom get a better chance than this, guys. For one of you, it’ll your first time. So remember to take it slow and steady and don’t get ahead of yourselves. It’ll be a magical night that you’ll never forget so try hard, think about baseball, and make sure you listen! Effort can make up for inexperience!

It was a great week with some veteran teams matching up well and a couple surprises from the rookies. There’s no real separation yet and we may be looking at a tighter race to the end than Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom was before her porn debut. Parity Baby! I Love It!

Big Blue, Ice Cold, No Doubt, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week!!!!! pick: Werewolf Bar Mitzvah over Sit on My Base

On Notice: Ball Breakers

1. FBGM 1-0 +14
It was one hell of a welcome back for one of the most dominant teams we’ve seen in Beehive Kickball. They were scoring like Charlie Sheen in a brothel with a suitcase for of coc. Their opponents were new to the league so I don’t want to read too much into it but with the best run differential in the league and a belt around their waist, I can’t deny them the top spot.

2. We’re Rollin’ Balls 1-0 +12
Daaaaamn kids! In a match-up of two veteran teams, I thought this one would be close. Boy was I wrong. Rollin’ Balls made Ball Breakers look like some burnout at a rave swiping at balls like giants colorful soap bubbles floating through the air. They’ve no doubt announced themselves as contenders for the belt this season.

3. The Kickball Team 1-0 +11
It was a run and gun game that looked like the old ABA, or a Warriors-Nuggets series. With only 7 players for week one, many analysts such as myself were looking at The Kickball Team to flounder. Well I’m eating some serious crow right now. When they are whole they may just be the best team in the league. They can score, they can catch, and they can pitch. What more can I say? Keep it up.

4. Red Rockets 1-0 +1
By all accounts they shouldn’t be this high based on run differential. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Never underestimate the heart of a champion.” They played a tough veteran team in the Degenerates and as befitting the ’95 Rockets, they eked out a win. If they can keep pitching like Matt Harvey, they’ll be moving up the rankings pretty quick.

5/6. Pitches Be Crazy 1-0 +7 and Werewolf Bar Mitzvah 1-0 +7
That’s right there’s a tie for the number 5 spot this week as Pitches and Werewolf had neaerly identical games. I may just be trying to foster a rivalry here, but I always like giving these guys a little extra motivation. Both of you need to keep up the big wins and putting runs on the board since week 3, you’ll both be playing each other. I’m marketing that one already as the Backyard Brawl. This could be a bloodbath on the level of that Knicks-Pacers series, or every hockey playoff series ever. Show me something!

7. Balls Deep 1-0 +5
It was a classic match-up of two teams that know eachother well, and Balls Deep definitely showed me something. Could this be a proper rivalry going forward? I think so. I’m calling this one the Match-Up of Brotherly Love. Round 1: Balls Deep. Now keep it up, you’re not in the elite just yet. That’s gotta be earned.

8. The Degenerates 0-1 -1
It was a tough loss for the resident hedonists of Beehive. And they might have some competition in the bar too. Balls Deep pushed them to the limits in Flip Cup, but champions prevail and the Degens are not ready to give up that crown just yet. On the field, a one run loss to last season’s champions is hardly a terrible sign. But a loss is a loss. You’re the best of the losers this week.

9. Sit On My Base 0-1 -5
It was a tough loss to rivals Balls Deep in week one that has to have Kortnee dreaming up new ways to get the opposition too drunk to play. There was clearly some rust here and I think this team has some serious potential to move into the middle eschelon this year. That said, it’s the deepest league we’ve had yet so they’re season is more uncertain that the status of the Ben Affleck Jennifer Garner marriage after that brutal acceptance speech.

10. Alcoballics 0-1 -7
It was a rough start for Karen’s plucky underdogs as they were outpitched and out played by the veteran Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. I’m not sure if they can get it done. Here is your tough love: Develop more than one type of pitch, and get in a team practice or two. Team chemistry is your best friend and I saw a lot of hero ball out there. Unless you have a Kevin Durant on your team that just won’t be enough.

11. Duck 0-1 -7
It looked like the Mighty Ducks were playing Iceland for the first time in week 1. Not a good start for duck, who will need to regroup and gameplan better for week 2. Who will emerge as the Gordon Bombay on this team? It’s all up to Captain Rex. You may kill it in dodgeball, but kickball is a whole nother game.

12. Hold My Beer, Watch This! 0-1 -11
It was a rough start for Hold my Beer, and I’m not pulling any punches. You can’t get blown out by a team with only 7 players. It was like watching me attempt to play ball at Rucker Park up in Harlem for the first few innings. That said, I think this was more a result of bad timing against a good opponent. I saw marked improvement over the course of the game as they started getting base hits and moving runners around. Every hit can’t be a home run guys! I mean, Even Tiger Woods doesn’t pick up every Denny’s waitress.

13. Ball Breakers 0-1 -12
It was more painful to watch than that Pacers-Hawks series. Veterans of the Beehive, I’ve gotta say I was more disappointed by this result than my date puking all over me on prom night. Get it together guys! You’re better than this.

14. Lesbihonest Fo’ Sho’ 0-1 -14
Lesbihonest, it was a tough introduction to the league for these newcomers against the former champs FBGM. But they kept their spirits higher than Rihanna on vacation and that will lead to good team chemistry and hopefully a few wins down the line. Just remember, you’ve only gotta get in to the big dance at the end, then who knows what can happen. Sports cliché of the week: Take it one game at a time.

What a long, strange…fun journey its been!

In spring of 2011 we didn’t know our asses from our elbows in the social sports world. But that doesn’t make us any different from anyone who ventures out to transform an idea into a reality. It’s like reading about eating an orange and then actually taking your first bite.

At first it was just two great friends and a vision to build a casual environment where a group of Utahns, native and foreign, could flourish into a community of friends who more than playing sports together on a weekly basis, supported each other and together made an impact on the larger SLC community.  With that we cobbled together a logo, skin and bones website and went off to star asking everyone we knew to grab their friends and come play kickball.

Randall Crail, Aaron Garrett, Carrie Ann Miller, Katie Smith, Erin Dalley, Tom Nelson, Emily Aplin, Mike Sotiriou and Rio Connelly all deserve special recognition. As our first set of kickball captains they provided the first smattering of grease in our wheels. Anyone who’s ever organized anything knows certain people step up and do more to make it happen. Hassling friends, coordinating BBQs and always sporting a good attitude – these were those people.

Up until the day of our very first kickball game (July 7^th) I was certain no one was going to show up. Despite having over 150 people registered I was already preparing for the most painful face plant of my life to date. 6:30, no one. 6:45, no one. 7:00…like a flock of Mormon crickets they started showing up in droves. Coolers and big red balls in tow – they had come to play kickball.

Tears welled up in both eyes. We had built it and they had come to be a part.

With that first unforgettable season behind us we couldn’t wait to keep going. Flag Football, Dodgeball, Sand Volleyball and Cornhole peppered our 2012, each sport bringing new friends and faces to Beehive Nation. We toughened up the skin on our knees while stumbling to organize Ultimate Frisbee and Bocce and we couldn’t be more grateful for the experience.

2012 couldn’t have been as successful without the dedicated folks who saw our vision for this community so clearly they couldn’t help but invest themselves further. I’m tremendously proud to say we created our “Board of Directors” out of necessity, as a way to channel their eagerness to help.  Dawn Matthews, Silas Willis, Kyle Blanchard, Michael Martin, Michael McClendon, Megan Hillier, Brian Cauley and Clinton Curtis have each put their stamp on what BeehiveSSC is today and can be tomorrow.

24 months in it’s fun to reflect on the numbers as a way to quantify the amorphic good feeling we have for everything Beehive Sport and Social Club has accomplished.

27 YouTube videos, 4032 Facebook photos, 78 Jimbo’s Power Rankings, 256 kickball runs scored, 1 person in jail for a felony (not involving BSSC in anyway thank god), 4 scummy bar owners dealt with, 6 great bar owners dealt with, $4,250+ dollars raised for charity and over 500 volunteer hours volunteered and perhaps most endearing of all, 24 couples introduced (all 24 are still together last we checked).

With the growth of those numbers as our inspiration (sans felonies and scumbags), the journey continues on with hundreds of new friends. The power of our community grows with every new member. We plan to use that power to keep SLC at least as weird as it already is.

If you count yourself a BeehiveSSC supporter then be vocal about it. We don’t have a lot of resources, most local businesses don’t. We rely on the people who enjoy our services to brag about us. So brag away in anyway you see fit. Thanks in advance.

Every meaningful aspect of this job has been a goddamn pleasure.

Onward and upward, speaking of which…have you heard we are going to break the Guinness World Record for the longest kickball game every played on June 10th? Check it out!

-Your Pals…Dave, Jimbo, Ben, Ryan, Nate, Nolan, Sharif and Many More @ Beehive Sports

1)We are ordered all the league shirts on 4/23 - anyone who wasn’t registered by that date can’t be guaranteed to get a correct size. We’ll bring them to your first game for you to wear with pride! Speaking of first game…

2)This season we are playing at 17th South River Park (1150 W 1700 S). It’s right across from the old Raging Waters and has it’s own parking lot. Plus we have the whole park to ourselves on Thursday nights!

3)The schedule will be posted on April 30th. I will send another email out to the entire league when it’s been posted. The season starts two days later on May 2nd.

4)Please take a moment and read the rules. You are responsible for knowing our rules before the first game. And make sure to read the New Rules that we think will make this season our best ever…

5)There will be 3 theme weeks! Toga (week 2), Western (4) and Crazy Hair (7)! We’ll remind you of them in the weekly kickball email.

6)Back by popular demand our bar sponsor this season will be Batters Up. Head there after league play for great deals, games (flip cup was a hit last season). The first week will be our Season Kickoff Party. June 20th will be our End of Season Party and Awards Show. You don’t want to miss either.

7)Make sure to “like” our page on Facebook - we post photos and power rankings there. Also make sure to “friend” BeehiveSSC Dave so we can tag you in those photos!

Jimbo and I fancy ourselves a young Orville and Wilbur Wright and to that end we’ve come up with a few tweaks to keep the game as fun, exciting and social as possible.

Here are the details:

1)We want to supercharge the ladies abilities to impact the game this season. To that end one lady on your team each week will be given a special piece of clothing to wear that will designate her WonderWoman that week. While serving as a team’s WonderWoman every run she score will count as 2 points.

2)We recently purchased a bee suit and I recently stumbled into a bear suit. They are too awesome not to use. One game each week will be designated the Bee Bear Battle. Each team gets to designate whatever player they want the Bear or the Bee (home team will be the Bee). Both the Bear and Bee will count for 2 runs each time they cross home plate if and only if they are wearing the costume. Costumes must also be worn on defense. All teams will have one shot at a Bee Bear Battle.

3)We want to make theme weeks a bigger part of BeehiveSSC. We have three this season: Toga (2), Western (5) and Crazy Hair (7). Whichever team (within each matchup that week) has more people dress in theme gets an extra out at their first at bat.

4)Like past season we will have a halftime game during each game that will be announced that week. Whichever team wins the halftime game will receive an extra out during their first at bat in the second half.

The Tourney

(1) Aim For the Fat One vs (8) Poontang Clan

Poontang Clan is just happy to be here, while Aim For the Fat One is looking at this game as a formality on the way to greater things. This might as well be a 1 vs. 16 match-up in the NCAA tournament. Sun rise, sun set.

Prediction: Aim For the Fat One 12 over Poontang Clan 3

(2) Beastie Ballz vs. (7) Wrench Dodgers

It may be a 2 vs. 7 match-up, but I don’t think the Wrench Dodgers are going to go down easy. Even so, Beastie Ballz look like a big brother looking to beat up on a younger sibling, and the little brother never beats the big brother, just ask my siblings. Wrench Dodgers will fight hard, but I don’t see an upset here.

Prediction: Beastie Ballz 10 over Wrench Dodgers 6

(3) Dodgie Style vs. (6) Bludger Beaters

This is by far the best match-up of the first round. I’ve been hard on Bludger Beaters this season, but they are not a team to be overlooked. The play fast and loose, and against another up tempo team, this match should be a fun one. I see this as the Steve Nash Suns against the current Denver Nuggets. There might be a scoring record set.

Prediction: Dodgie Style 14 over Bludger Beaters 11

(4) One in the Pink vs. (5) Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend

I’m going straight chalk again. One in the Pink is not happy about losing the top seed last week, so they’ll no doubt come out battling and cruise through this round with authority. WMNYG may be the best of the rest, but that’s just not good enough come playoff time. They’ll find themselves bent over the couch like an army wife who’s man just got back in town from a long military deployment in this one.

Prediction: One in the Pink 11 over Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend 6

The Sack-o Bowl!

(9) The Aggressive Pacifists vs. (10) I Love Yoga Pants

Paradoxically, this is the biggest game of the night. Who will suffer the embarrassment of dead last place and the Sack-o? Both teams are more than deserving of that dubious label, but only one will forever live in infamy as the worst team of the season.

Prediction: I Love Yoga Pants 7 over The Aggressive Pacifists 6

This one’s a quick turn-around for the regular season finale, so I’m pulling out all the gimmicks I can think of. That’s right it’s Jimbo’s Full Slate Selection Spectacular! I’m picking every game and projecting the Dodgeball Playoff rankings for the tourney. You disagree? Let me hear about it. As always, I love it when teams step up and prove me wrong.

Big Blue, Ice Cold, No Doubt, Money in the Bank Lock of the Week!!!!! pick: Bludger Beaters over Aggressive Pacifists
On Notice: I Love Yoga Pants: It’s your last chance for a regular season win. Man Up!

The Match-ups

The 7:00pm Slate

Wrench Dodgers vs. Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend

I smell an upset! Wrench Dodgers really pulled it together last week and dispatched the Aggressive Pacifists more convincingly that the Sollozzo took out Luca Brasi. I think they are primed for a solid run into the playoffs and to cause some problems for the elites.

Score: Wrench Dodgers 9 over watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend 7

Bludger Beaters vs. Aggressive Pacifists

I see this one as a pretty big mismatch. The Bludger Beaters have proven they can dispatch lesser opponents with the cruel mindless efficiency of a bewitched bludger in a Quidditch match. The Aggressive Pacifists’ record coming in is as limp as an 80 year old in the bedroom. This one seems almost too easy to call.

Score: Bludger Beaters 11 over Aggressive Pacifists 3

The 8:00pm Slate

I Love Yoga Pants vs. Aim For the Fat One

Well, I Love Yoga pants hasn’t won a game yet, so I’m going to surprise precisely no one by picking Aim for the Fat One in a blowout. I’d describe this one as an MMA fight where the one guy is ripped, and the second “athlete” clearly has a gut so big you couldn’t find an ab after a month on Kate Moss’ diet. You know tubby is going down.

Score: Aim for the Fat One 12 over I Love Yoga Pants 4

Dodgie Style vs. One in the Pink

Here is our marquee match-up for the evening. No single game carries as much weight as this one. the top 4 spots going into the playoffs are entirely dependent on the outcome of this game, and after a tough loss last week, Dodgie Style are riled up and ready to go like a caged

Score: One in the Pink 10 over Dodgie Style 8

The 9:00pm Grand Finale

Beastie Ballz vs. Poontang Clan

In all likelihood, the seeding will already be decided by the time this game kicks off, but if there’s an upset, you better believe Beastie Ballz and Poontang Clan will be fighting for the scraps left on the table. If you’d ever seen my liquored up family at Thanksgiving, that would be a much more frightening metaphor. I think Poontang will have more to play for, so it will be close, but no cigar for our plucky underdogs.

Score: Beastie Ballz 7 over Poontang Clan 6

The Power Rankings

1. One in the Pink 5-1

One down, one to go. With Tuesday’s win, One in the Pink is controls their own destiny for the playoffs. What more can you ask? Well other than 30 minutes alone with Mila Kunis.

2. Aim For the Fat One 5-1

Aim for the fat one will need some help to get the No. 1 seed, but a win guarantees them a 2 seed at the very least. But much like The Miami Heat, the entire NFL, and all those degenerate gamblers like myself, the only thing that matters is the playoffs.

3. Beastie Ballz 4-1-1

Top Half of the playoffs? Check. Showing they can compete with and beat anyone in the league? Check. Coming through in the playoffs unlike the last two seasons? TBD. You’ve gotta prove you Step Up when it counts, like Channing Tatum, Briana Evigan, and Ryan Guzman heroically did in the greatest dance/romance franchise of all time. To paraphrase the immortal Tyler Gage: You’re fighting, for something that’s real for the first time in your lives!

4. Dodgie Style 4-1-1

It’s now or never for Dodgie Style. Time to step up from Darkhorse status to favorite. Or you can wait til the playoffs. After all, if you lose you will have a chance at a revenge in the playoffs that will make Enigo Montoya’s look tame.

5. Bludger Beaters 2-4

I think it’s safe to say they’re the best of the rest. Will this get them out of the first round in the playoffs? I doubt it. They may be fun to watch in the regular season, but I predict a quicker end than a guy giving his V-card to a hooker.

6. Wrench Dodgers 2-4

I’m throwing my hands up. The Wrench Dodgers are more confusing than trying to make sense of cold fusion, or a girlfriend’s mood swings. They won Tuesday so I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. Prove me right for once. I’m predicting the 6 seed.

7. Poontang Clan 1-3-2

They could’ve made a playoff spot a formality by holding on to their 4 game lead last match. Instead, they need a ton of help to make it. It was a nice run guys, but I think you’re chances at the playoffs are about as good as my girlfriend’s cooking.

8. Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend 2-3-1

They’re an enigma wrapped in a mystery inside a question. They can look both great and terrible in the span of a single match. Going down 0-4, then up 5-4 then down again? Seriously, WTF! You’re blowing my mind guys. You’ll need to do better than that in the playoffs, you won’t be up against the Atlanta Falcons.

9. The Aggressive Pacifists 2-4

They’re playoff stock is dropping faster than the Utah Jazz’s. There’s still hope, but they’ll need a win to guarantee it. Can they pull it together? Or will they choke like a barely 18 amateur pornstar getting into the business for the first time.

10. I Love Yoga Pants 0-5-1

They’ve been more disappointing this year than the Lakers, Dwight Howard, and Kobe not breaking his ankle last night, and just spraining it. And yes, I cheer for injuries, especially when it’s Kobe Bean Bryant.

Projected Seedings

And here it is. This is how I project the seeding going rolling into the playoffs.

The Big Dance

1. One in the Pink Projected: 6-1

2. Aim For the Fat One Projected 6-1

3. Beastie Ballz Projected 5-1-1

4. Dodgie Style Projected 4-2-1

5. Bludger Beaters Projected 3-4

6. Wrench Dodgers Projected 3-4

7. Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend Projected 2-4-1

8. The Aggressive Pacifists Projected 2-5

The Outside Looking in

9. Poontang Clan Projected 1-4-2

10. I Love Yoga Pants Projected 0-6-1

Ace Inhibitors: B- “An apple might help”

It’s been an up and down season so far for the Ace Inhibitors. I mean, Lagoon isn’t open yet is it? Settle down and show me some consistency. Inconsistency makes me more nervous than canoeing through the remote northern Georgia wilderness to see the glory of nature. I’m concerned that they seem to beat the bad teams and lose to the good ones. To reference Bill Simmons, they might be this year’s Good Bad Team. The best of the bad simply might be their fate.

CPR: F “I’m going to need your parents to sign this”

While they are a dominant force in every other sport, once again CPR is proving to be maddeningly inconsistent in Volleyball. At what point do we have to say they’re just not built to win consistently on the volleyball court? I’m not willing to say it yet. They have shown flashes of great play, I think it’s only a matter of time before they put it together. Keep putting yourselves out there CPR! Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, just ask Taylor Swift.

E! True Volleyball Story: C “Has shown improvement, keep it up”

After a terrible start to the season, this rag tag bunch of n00bs has really come together and played pretty well. I have to say, I’m impressed. Usually it takes some time for new teammates to gel and really become a solid team, but E! True Volleyball Story is exceeding expectations already and my playoff hopes for these rookies are higher than Ri-Ri in Jamaica.

Kiss My Ace: D “See me after class”

They have great team spirit and are a lot of fun on and off the court at karaoke after, but at a certain point, you are what you are. Kiss My Ace appears to be a more average looking than Maggie Gyllenhaal and serves as cannon fodder for the elite teams. You can’t teach stupid, and Kiss My Ace needs to improve their volleyball IQ to make some serious noise.

Notorious D.I.G.: A “I have some struggling students, have you ever considered tutoring?”

Growing up in the New York area, D.I.G. touched me more intimately than a priest with their name, and impressed me this athleticism and solid communication. They’ve won in the sand, but the hard court is a different animal. Will their experience and a healthy dose of deer antler spray be enough this season?

Sandy Cracks: C+ “A for effort… I guess”

Sandy Cracks plays hard, but they’re crashing back to earth faster than Oscar Pistorius. A great started had them looking like they could really make a step forward this year, but like a 80 year old woman on an escalator, they seem to have lost their steam and at this point seem resigned to slowing falling back to the bottom floor.

Served With Ice: A+ “The Teacher’s Pets”

They’re good. Damn good. Like getting noise complaints from your neighbors when the girlfriend spends the night good. This is the closest team we have to a Miami Heat of Beehive Volleyball right now, and they’ve earned every bit of praise lauded upon them. If they can keep it up, they’ll unquestionably be the odds on favorite for the belt.

Spandex Stars: C- “Needs Improvement”

This is a team in transition. With Team Captain Lauren sidelined, it’s up to patriotic loverboy Mike to rally the team together and bring this once great team to the upper echelon powerhouse they’ve been in the sand. Frighteningly, this team is looking more and more like the Buffalo Bills, and they haven’t made the playoffs since the damn Music City Miracle cost me $200. Can you tell I’m still bitter?

That’s What She Set: B+ “The suck ups. Yes that’s a good thing”

What can I say about a team that tailgates better than anyone outside of Beehive Flag Football? They know how to touch my heart. I mean, how can you say no to Team Mom Brian Cauley’s Jell-o Shooters? I’ve been impressed by their on the court camaraderie as well and I believe this team could really make things difficult for the favorites in the playoffs. That is, if they’re not one of those favorites by then.

1. One in the Pink 4-1
With a forfeit from Aim for the Fat One, and some minor stumbles by the rest of the top tier, the back door opened up nicely for One in the Pink, and they pushed their way in hard and with little regard for the rest of the league. One in the Pink has been on an absolute tear the last 4 weeks, and have yet to play a truly competitive match since week 1. The only question mark right now is whether they’ll be able to bounce back from the long layoff to face two more elite teams to end the season. Win out, and you’re the defacto 1 seed; drop one or both, and it could be the 4.

2. Beastie Ballz 4-0-1
The top seed is theirs to lose. Their schedule isn’t completely without pitfalls though. If Beastie Ballz can get past One in the Pink, they’ll have only Poontang Clan in the way and the No. 1 spot will be a more sure thing than an Irish girl 4 carbombs deep on St. Patty’s day. It’s all ahead of you boys.

3. Aim For The Fat One 4-1
I may have penalized them for the forfeit in the rankings, but Aim for the fat one still remains the odds on favorite in most Vegas sportsbooks: currently going off at 3-1 odds at the Palms and Wynn. Honestly, I can’t find fault with it. After all, They’ve only lost 1 competitive game in all beehive dodgeball competitions. And that was last season’s championship. Don’t think they’ve forgotten it, they’re out for blood and glory, like the succubus that is Kim Kardashian.

4. Dodgie Style 4-0-1
Let’s face it, minus a minor slip up against a resurgent Poontang Clan, Dodgie Style has been impressive the whole season. So why do I have this nagging feeling that they aren’t quite as good as their record? I feel like Dodgie Style lets infereior teams hang around too long, and they have had a weak schedule to this point. All those questions will be answered the last two games. They play a murderers row down the stretch. Win, and they could have the top spot. Lose, and they may be looking at the 4 seed. This team has more at stake than the Jazz this offseason with Millsap and Jefferson set to expire.

5. Poontang Clan 1-3-1
One, two, and ya don’t stop! It was a killer week last time we saw Poontang Clan in action as they came up with a big draw and win on their double header. Check it, their method on the microphone’s banging, Poontang’s game’ll leave your headpiece hangin’. But can they keep it up? The long break came at the worst time for a team who’s flowin hotter than GZA. Keep that momentum rolling!

6. Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend 2-3
Watch Me Nail Your Girlfriend hasn’t been bad over the last two weeks, but let’s face it. They’re simply not elite. They beat the teams they should and have shown they can cause irritation to the Big Four that even Vagisil can alleviate. If any team can forge an upset going forward, it’s them. Do I think they will? No. Then again, Vegas says they’re odds for a win in the playoffs are at 10-1… I’ll be taking a long those odds…

7. Aggressive Pacifists 2-3
Well they haven’t looked good against quality opponents, and barring a forfeit I have little doubt they would be 1-4. Yet, they have improved and with a midseason break to regroup, they do have an easy schedule down the stretch. With a minus 20 differential in games, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Aggressive Pacifists could steal the 5 seed with little trouble. It’s a whole new season in the second half, prove me right!

8. Bludger Beaters 1-4
I’ve gotta say, the Bludger Beaters are a better team than some of those above them. Why are they all the way down at 8th then? One reason. They lose. Games they could win. Games they should win. Every game they seem to hang in there and play tough, but victory eludes them. I’m going deep for this one; to quote Albert Camus, “When the soul suffers too much, it develops a taste for misfortune.” And to think, I even came up with that one on spring break! Cabo!!!!!!

9. Wrench Dodgers 1-4
They’ve had a tough last 3 weeks. Sure the Wrench dodgers have been up against three of the best teams in the league, but they’ve come out of it like Brandon Knight… looking foolish on a poster. Don’t be a hero guys. You’ve got some winnable games down the home stretch here, and a win or two will turn it all around. Even the Lakers got their shit together. Show me you can.

10. I Love Yoga Pants 0-4-1
Since a competitive week 2, I Love Yoga Pants has looked more embarrassing than the Pope running from his responsibilities and a growing, persistent sex abuse scandal. Without a miracle, it’ll be nothing but black smoke for this team once full of potential. Can Captain Bryant turn them around? I’d say it’s about as likely as white smoke emanating from the Sistine Chapel actually bringing about any changes.