We’re back baby! After a vacation to the Tibetan plateau with Ricky Williams to celebrate his retirement, Jimbo has returned and I’m itching to break down the playoff chaos that took place last week. There’s nothing like living in a yurt in a permanent haze of smoke and yak stink to clear your mind, eat some peyote, and go on a spirit journey. It was one hell of a time Ricky, let’s do it again soon.
Round 1, “Can Anyone Stop the Fat One?” Bracket
It was one hell of a round in the top half of the bracket. Upsets, comebacks, and an overtime thriller for the ages. We had it all.
(12) Here For Beer def. (5) The Blakers: Everyone who follows the NCAA tournament this time of year knows there’s always a 12/5 upset. Beehive Dodgeball is no exception. The 12 seeded Here For Beer came out looking like UNC in their Carolina Blue and put together a game that would’ve made Dean Smith proud. As the great coach once said, “You can’t make every game a life or death proposition, for one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.” I’d say that eloquently sums up Here For Beer’s season. They didn’t get discouraged by the losses and came through strong when they needed to. As for the Blakers? They picked a bad time to get cocky. They looked nothing like the powerhouse that earned a 5 seed. I’ll quote another famous coach, “You looked like a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob!”
(4) Ballsagna def. (13) The Wrench Dodgers: This one had all the makings of yet another huge upset, but it wasn’t to be. Those plucky underdogs, the Wrench Dodgers jumped out to an early lead against powerhouse Ballsagna, who seemed to be in a funk the last few weeks. But with Lindsay Gish sidelined with a broken hand, Ballsagna rallied around her husband Kyle who’s inspired play led a second half comeback to sneak past The Dodgers like a ninja assassin. They got by, and looked good doing it.
(8) Terratek def. (9) the Holy Crail (OT): What a way to start out the playoff bracket. It was an overtime stunner as Terratek came back from their last man to beat an undermanned Holy Crail that has to be kicking themselves for not getting another shot at Aim for the Fat One. The war paint was on for Terratek, and with their deep rotation, they wore down The Holy Crail to pull out a huge win. In the end, there was nothing Randal and Phillip Stoker could do. It’s was a classic tournament match-up. I half expected Terratek to start cutting down the nets.
Round 1, The Bracket of Death
(6) Balls Deep def. (11) T-Baggers: this game was close and got a bit chippy as Balls Deep snuck by the T-Baggers. There were more hard hits and shit talk than a Greg Williams defense. Ultimately, the T-Baggers were short-handed and couldn’t overcome a roster that is deeper than their name. Balls Deep found themselves moving on in what is clearly the toughest side of the bracket.
(3) Certified Puppy Rescuers def. (14) KM CLaws: As expected, CPR made short work of the lowest seed in the tournament with a dominating performance that left little doubt as to the speed and skill of the Victory Gold. KM CLaws fought admirably, but they were no match for the Kickball Champs. They posterized them like Blake Griffin. There is no doubt that CPR’s core is the Pittsburgh Steelers of Beehive Sports, they’re always in it, and you know they’ll make some noise.
(7) Squirrels Gone Wild def. (10) Boot Knockers: It was a close, back and forth game. tied at halftime and looking for redemption, the Boot Knockers fell apart and eventually went down to what may be the most underrated team in the league in Squirrels. Ultimately, it was an underwhelming season for the Boot Knockers, who showed a lot of heart, but couldn’t recover from Casey Glaubman’s torn rotator cuff. It wasn’t quite a Peyton Manning situation, but this is sure to be a season for regrets for the Knockers. There’s always kickball guys!
Round 2, “Can Anyone Stop the Fat One?” Bracket
(1) Aim For the Fat One def. (8) Terratek: Everyone thought this would be a blowout, including Terratek themselves, but as any true sports fan knows, anybody can be beat. Terratek, came through in a big way and actually led at the half to chants of Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! This is the point when I mention, the Purple People Eaters have not trailed at the half all season. It was stunning, and Aim For the Fat One were getting mad at themselves, the game was at a crossroads. After the half, Aim For the Fat One returned to form and pulled together as a team. That said, it was a scare for the odds on favorites for the belt, we’ll have to see if they learn from it.
(4) Ballsagna def. (12) Here For Beer: Everything seemed to be going right for the Cinderella story of Here For Beer. They led by 3 games with 10 minutes to play against a seemingly overmatched Ballsagna. What happened next was inexplicable. The Carolina Blue did a flawless impression of the Miami Heat in the 4th quarter and fell back to earth harder than Lebron passing off the ball for the final shot against the Jazz. I don’t know whether Ballsagna is lucky, or bigger comeback kids than that lean, mean, fat grilling machine, George Foreman. Whatever the case, we’re set up for a huge match-up between two elite teams that have yet to play. Aim for the Fat One vs. Ballsagna in the Final 4. No Cinderellas here, it’s a big boy match-up.
Round 2, The Bracket of Death
(6) Balls Deep def. (3) CPR (OT): They say speed kills, but sometimes, it’s not enough. In this classic match-up of power vs. speed, power got the better of it this time. Tied at the end of regulation in a back and forth match, Balls Deep managed to pull out the close win. The number 3 seed was getting disrespected by some of the other big teams in the league for being soft. This match put any talk of that to rest as the Victory Gold may have lost, but earned a lot of respect in the process. Speed definitely kills, and I think people are gunna find that out in kickball. As for Balls Deep, they become the lowest seed to make it through to the final for. Get that fancy dress on and get to the dance Cinderella, rival Sweaty Ballz is itching to make that clock strike midnight.
(2) Sweaty Ballz def. (7) Squirrels Gone Wild: This game truly proved that the bottom half of the bracket was the Bracket of Death. This one was intensely competitive and got a step beyond chippy. We even had a catfight, yikes. Luckily, the situation was calmed down and play resumed with Sweaty Ballz winning the final game to clinch the round and move into the Final 4. Squirrels Gone Wild solidified themselves as the most underrated team in my eyes, and as one of their doubters, I owe them an apology. Great season guys, you proved me wrong.
The Final 4:
(1) Aim For the Fat One vs. (4) Ballsagna
(2) Sweaty Ballz vs. (6) Balls Deep
Fearless Final Four Predictions:
(1) Aim for the Fat One def. (4) Ballsagna. Score: 10-7
(2) Sweaty Ballz def. (6) Balls Deep. Score: 9-8 (OT)
Final:
(2) Sweaty Ballz def. (1) Aim for the Fat One: 11-9
There are your predictions everyone. Just one thing left: Prove Me Wrong!